I’m Drunk

I’M DRUNK by Tim Briffa

I think,

I’m drunk,

I’m very drunk,

I’m very drunk indeed.

And I’m ashamed to admit,

That so much this night I’ve had so far to drink,

That I’m not just drunk,

Oh no,

I’m not just drunk, my friend,

Uh uh.

I’m pissed.

I’m very pissed.

I’m very pissed indeed.

I’m as pissed,

As a newt.

Or a fart,

A blind fart,

Emitted from the arse

Of a judge,

A drunken, disgraced judge,

Recently disbarred.

And I’m so pissed,

From all it is,

This night,

I’ve had so far to drink,

That I’m not just pissed,

Oh no,

I’m not just pissed, my friend

Uh uh.

I’m fucked.

I’m completely fucked,

I’m fucked beyond belief,

I’m fucked beyond repair,

I’m more fucked,

In fact,

Than the time I crapped,

In the collection hat,

At the funeral of my brother,

Before making a pass,

At my own mother.

I’m so fucked,

So completely fucked,

So completely and utterly fucked,

So completely, utterly and unequivocally fucked,

So completely, utterly, unequivocally and unremittingly fucked,

That I’m not just fucked,

Oh no,

I’m not just fucked, my friend

Uh uh.

I’m out to lunch,

I’m out to Mars,

I’m off my head,

And my head, my friend,

Is in the stars.

I’m off my trolley,

I’m off my tree,

I’m so cooked, baked and steamed,

So pie-eyed, pickled and mashed,

So stewed, trashed and smashed,

So wasted, tanked, ratted and battered,

So sozzled, sloshed, plastered and hammered,

So mullered, legless, shit-faced and bladdered,

So arseholed, twatted, cunted and wankered,

So buggered, blotto, bombed and blitzed,

That I’m not just off my head,

Oh no,

I’m not just off my head, my friend,

Uh uh.

I’m off my tits.

My drunken, fucking tits.

But before I go,

Is there any chance,

Of another?

For the road?